light it up
jacob, reading, driving, scrapbooks, photography, boxsets, sleeping, wetherspoons.
americas next top model, doctor who, inbetweeners, gossip girl, skins, sex and the city.
noah and the whale, darwin deez, example, arctic monkeys, gorillaz, rise against, blink 182, atreyu, pendulum, hadouken, city and colour.
reading fest '11, travelling '12
5/5/11
01:06am
a bit sleepy
jakey
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
why does everything always go wrong for me? why when im really happy, it just has to come crashing down and im suddenly breaking down again? i know i've fucked up in the past, but what can i do about it? there is absolutely nothing i can do. apologizing obviously isnt enough, i cant buy my way or sweet talk out of it. i cant do anything about it but somehow i feel like i should because this just isnt working with this on my shoulders. i've never felt so hopeless its horrible. i feel so under pressure to do everything right and because of this i seem to do everything wrong. i can never make people happy.
i am always in the wrong, i am always doing something wrong, or saying something wrong, or talking to people i shouldnt be. im having affairs with people at work, im sleeping around and lying about being at work, i never put any effort into it and i dont appreciate anything.
im not saying im always right but i never get the chance to be, i dont get listened to, i get talked over and made feel stupid so i end up thinking im wrong. i dont intend to do things wrong, im just thick and dont think things through. i dont realise that i cant talk to certain people, i cant talk to males that arent in our direct friendship group. im not having affairs, im not sleeping around. i work hell of alot. im tired so much, i get asked to stay late, i get sent home early. my hours are so unpredictable how am i meant to tell someone when i dont even know myself? i appreciate everything. of course i do. i appreciate the fact im where i am now when i've done so much wrong and i dont deserve to be here. i appreciate it so much but i dont feel the need to say it all the time because it'll just get too much. surely just being there and being happy is enough to realise how much i appreciate it. i do make an effort, all the time. but theres only so much i can do. i dont want to exhaust myself and sometimes i like being on my own. i like just going home, seeing nobody and going to bed. i get so tired so quickly i thought that was obvious by now. everyone needs their alone time but every other chance i get i jump on it and make the effort. i come out late, i come round, i spend days off making the effort, i get taxis, i text every single day. i keep this blog just so he can read it. i dont write it for anyone else and im 99.9% sure no one else knows about it. why would i be writing this if i didnt care? if i didnt appreciate it. if im not upset and if i couldnt give a fuck. because i do care so much and i dont know how else to show it. im emotionally thick and im so easy to tip but he should know this by now. he should know me and know who i am. but he dosent think he does.
i am always in the wrong, i am always doing something wrong, or saying something wrong, or talking to people i shouldnt be. im having affairs with people at work, im sleeping around and lying about being at work, i never put any effort into it and i dont appreciate anything.
im not saying im always right but i never get the chance to be, i dont get listened to, i get talked over and made feel stupid so i end up thinking im wrong. i dont intend to do things wrong, im just thick and dont think things through. i dont realise that i cant talk to certain people, i cant talk to males that arent in our direct friendship group. im not having affairs, im not sleeping around. i work hell of alot. im tired so much, i get asked to stay late, i get sent home early. my hours are so unpredictable how am i meant to tell someone when i dont even know myself? i appreciate everything. of course i do. i appreciate the fact im where i am now when i've done so much wrong and i dont deserve to be here. i appreciate it so much but i dont feel the need to say it all the time because it'll just get too much. surely just being there and being happy is enough to realise how much i appreciate it. i do make an effort, all the time. but theres only so much i can do. i dont want to exhaust myself and sometimes i like being on my own. i like just going home, seeing nobody and going to bed. i get so tired so quickly i thought that was obvious by now. everyone needs their alone time but every other chance i get i jump on it and make the effort. i come out late, i come round, i spend days off making the effort, i get taxis, i text every single day. i keep this blog just so he can read it. i dont write it for anyone else and im 99.9% sure no one else knows about it. why would i be writing this if i didnt care? if i didnt appreciate it. if im not upset and if i couldnt give a fuck. because i do care so much and i dont know how else to show it. im emotionally thick and im so easy to tip but he should know this by now. he should know me and know who i am. but he dosent think he does.
10:00